The Crowd Effect

Most young people are not lazy. They’re just following the crowd.

When I was much younger, my dad said to me, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

At the time, I thought it was just another one of those things adults say to get under the skin of their children. Fast forward 50 years, and I now understand exactly what he meant.

One of the hardest things to do, especially when you’re younger, is to stand out by being different. Look at most young people today. They look the same, sound the same, dress the same, and act the same as the groups they belong to. It’s almost like an exclusive membership club. If you want to belong, you adopt the uniform, not just in clothes, but in thinking.

And the truth is, it doesn’t stop when we grow up.

Many adults also crave acceptance. We join clubs. We move towards people who look like us, sound like us, and behave like us. We’re marketed “gold membership” and “exclusive access,” and something inside us still responds to that herd mentality because we want to belong.

A mentor once told me, “If you're the smartest person in your group, find another group.”

At first, it felt harsh. I wanted to belong too. But therein lies the conundrum. If we want to grow, we often have to let go of something first.

It’s our fear of being different, of being isolated, judged, or laughed at that keeps us exactly where we are.

Imagine telling your golf group that you’re not playing anymore because you want to spend those five and a half hours learning a language. You’d be the talk of the 19th hole for months. People would think you’d lost the plot.

It’s no different for a 15-year-old leaving a WhatsApp group. They worry about what’s being said once they’re gone. Unless that young person is extremely strong or supported, it’s unlikely to happen.

And here’s the other challenge.

When parents try to police the crowd effect, we often push our children further into it. The moment young people feel judged, they close ranks with the crowd. Suddenly, you’re the old fuddy-duddy who doesn’t understand their world, which, to be fair, might sometimes be true.

But when they feel understood, they open up. So instead of asking, “Why are you always on your phone?” Try: “What is it you like about being on there?”

It sounds simple, but curiosity keeps the door open. Control shuts it.

Young people don’t move away from the crowd when they feel pushed. They move when they feel safe enough to think for themselves.

As parents or guardians, we need to help them build identity, not just behaviour. Telling them to do something different is hard when they’re still figuring out who they are. The crowd gives them identity: what to wear, what to watch, what to think, and what matters. If we want them to step away from the crowd, we need to help them discover their own voice. Having confidence in their identity weakens the pull of the crowd.

And lastly, young people rarely step away from the crowd because of a speech. They step away because they experience something different.

A walk. A quiet conversation. Doing something together. Time away from the noise. These moments create space for independent thinking. And although it might be difficult at first, if we create more quiet space, young people begin to hear themselves again.

The crowd effect isn’t something we fight head-on.

It’s something we gently loosen.